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Wednesday, 30 December 2009

I'm sorry

if I've offended you. for anything. If I've made your feel self conscious or ugly. You're all beautiful in some way. I know I have an obsession with food and my weight, and I know it's a bit extreme right now [it has it's ups and downs] but I really just need support right now and kind words. After this diet experiment I'm going to try to eat.. normallyish.. and attempt to not feel guilty.
but now I need to sleep. because it's 2:30 in the morning.
I really, really, am sorry to all of you. I've just been struggling lately with a lot of things.
<3 Bri
and while I'm on a roll, honesty about my character.

I love humanity, scoff at me if you will, but it's true. I love people, too much. I care too much, I get too attatched. I care too much what people think. I've loved too many people too quickly and gotten hurt too much.
I dont like to get attatched anymore. I'm quick to be cruel to push people away. I'm quick to judge so I stay safe inside my little bubble. I make fun of others to be funny and gain acceptance. I feel like I'm just a burden most of the time and I know that in relationships I usually just screw up.
I hide behind my intellect and sarcasm. I use anger to cover up sadness. I try and look strong even when I am at my weakest. my pride and ego get the best of me. I dont think about most of the things I say before I say them and usually that has a bad outcome.
I want to be loved by people but I'm usually never the first to give it out. I'm selfish. I'm a liar, a cheater, a stealer. I'm not even close to being perfect. A lot of times I dont want to be a christian because I feel like I'm such a terrible one. I feel like I dont deserve God's love. I feel like I deserve to burn in hell forever because of the pain I've caused others and how hypocritical I am.
I feel like a total fuck up in life. I feel responsible for my moms suicide, for my parents divorce.
I'm scared. I'm always scared of something. I'm scared for my brother who is going to afghanistan in 6 months. What will happen if I lose him? I'm tired of losing people. I can't lose him. He's the only biological family I have left besides my dad.
I'm a pushover. in my group of friends I'm always the one who offers a ride, the one who pays for people when they leave their money at home. I always buy presents for people on birthdays, christmas, valentines day, and never gets anything in return. [after all, I never give gifts to recieve them. that's more selfish than I can be]. I always allow people to borrow my things [and never return them]. I'm always the supportive one, offering advice, and listening to all my friends cry and ramble on about their terrible lives even if I feel just as miserable as they do.
I'm really not a bad person, I just act mean and cruel so I dont get hurt and so I dont end up hurting someone. I know obviously if I'm rude it's going to sting, but think of how badly it would hurt if you became like my best friend and I betrayed you? It would suck so much worse than that insult.
I'm afraid of appearing weak. I always lash back with some kind of rude comment when someone insults me because I cant let anyone know they've hurt me. I have to be perfect, composed, all the time. I cant cry in public. I feel ashamed when I do. If someone sees me break they can use it against me.
I cant be a bad person, though. I spent 100 dollars [mind you I'm not rich] on kids I didn't even know so that they could have a good christmas, and I cried because I knew they were probably miserable. [they were cancer patients]. I cant make it through a newspaper without crying. One time I read an article about a young boy who was sodomized with a hockey stick in a boys locker room. I burst out in tears and started praying. praying that God would make everything better for all the boys. I volunteered a whole week of my time to an underpriviledged elementary school in a far from safe neighborhood so that I could help clean the school and reach out to the kids. I've fed homeless people, clothed them, talked to them, tried to help them. I've cried with a stranger who was about to overdose on heroin and kill himself and got him to break the syringe.
How can I be a bad person if I do all of that? Why cant I see the good parts of me anymore?
Why am I so damn sad today? jeeze.
<3 Bri
being honest, a confession if you will, about my "habits".

I tell myself I can control it. Like for example, this diet I'm on. It'd be killer if I lost some weight, but that's really not the reason I'm doing it. I want to see if I can do it. I mean people do experiments all the time. Like, my brother wanted to see how long he could go without sleep. and sleep is necessary to live [he started going loopy around a few days]. Just like sleep, food is a necessity too. I want to see if I can really go a day with only 200 calories. Feeling hungry is terrible, and I want to know if I can fight through it. So that I'm not controlled by hunger, or whatever.
In my mind I say "you dont have a disorder, you're not anorexic". Because I do eat. but, my greatest fear is getting fat. It always has been. Ever since I was a little girl. My brother would call me chubby, and I looked up to him. He took care of me when my mom died and when my dad was too drunk to. He helped me with schoolwork and taught me lessons of random things. He was like God to me, but he would call me chubby. When I'd eat he'd tell me I didn't need it.. and I'm pretty sure he was just kidding around, but I believed him. It hurt.
I tell myself as I said earlier, I can go back to eating 2000 calories a day anytime I want. I can guzzle down a milkshake and gorge myself on cake if I wanted to. But could I? Will I ever be able to eat fettuchini alfredo without feeling guilty? A cookie? what have I done?
I'm in tears right now because I dont know if I can go back. I traveled down this path out of curiosity and now it's trapped in my mind. I feel guilty if I eat a cookie, a fucking cookie! for chrissake! How am I supposed to eat cake on my wedding day? How am I supposed to enjoy going out to eat where the calories aren't listed? Can I ever be "normal" again? Have I ever been?
Food has always come with guilt for me. Especially fatty foods, because I dont need them to live. they're just cravings, and I should be able to control it. "normal" people eat cake and stuff and they dont flip a shit. but I do. I always have.
I may be at a healthy weight right now and stuff but it's pretty shitty. To live your life based on a number on a scale, but it's like.. I prefer this to being fat and disgusting. It's like I'd rather be a prisoner to a scale then a "normal" person. I dont want to be skin and bone, I just want to not jiggle so much when I walk. I want to be able to fit into size 1 jeans again. I want to be beautiful.
I dont promote anorexia, I really dont. I wouldn't wish my mindset upon anyone. Yes, I'm usually happy. but as soon as food comes around it's guilt and depression. I dont want to "inspire" anyone to become like this. However, if people already have this same mindset I will help them and support them. Because everyone needs love and support regardless of their situation in life. Telling them to go and eat something wont help, especially if you dont know what they're going through. Sometimes empathy is one of the most beautiful things you can share with someone.
I know I will never, ever only eat 200 calories a day. that's insane. I will always have 3 meals, but that doesn't matter. I could eat 120743123 calories a day but the guilt, the depression, the feelings of self disgust wont go away. just because I adopt "normal" eating habits doesn't mean I'm "normal" and "fixed". Trust me, I've been there done that. I went to rehab and I was forced to eat everything on my plate [everyone was, eating disorder or not] and I gained 20 pounds. [I probably consumed 3000 calories a day] Even though I appeared "normal" I still had a raging battle in my head.
An eating disorder isn't something you "get over", it's more than just not eating. that's just a result of having the mindset. The real disorder is inside your brain, so deeply rooted it's like it'll never come out. Part of me wants it to, but the other part doesn't.
I dont ever want to be fat. ever. the thought scares me more than anything else. If you find that shallow and superficial then you really dont understand what's going on. It's not shallow, it's not about looking pretty. it isn't. it's something so much more complicated than that. Shallowness and conceit can never invoke fear like I feel in a person. I cant really describe it, but it's almost like I have to prove something to myself. to someone else. to everyone.
I feel trapped, I always feel trapped. I dont think I know what it's like to be free. my life revolves around numbers. Not just the one on the nutrition facts or a scale, but everywhere. the number in my bank account, the number of hours I work each week, everything is just numbers numbers numbers.
I've never been this honest about how I feel about my "disorder" or whatever. I feel like I have to be so damn strong all the time. but I'm not. Sometimes I'm so weak, so powerless.
Sometimes I just want to dissapear.
sorry for the depressing post.
<3 Bri

Tuesday, 29 December 2009

You can eat whatever you want as long as you dont swallow it.

Haha, oh those are words to live by!
day 3 of my challenge went AWESOMELY! My intake today was supposed to be no more than 600
Breakfast: oatmeal + 1 tbsp of brown sugar [165]
Lunch: Easy Mac [230]
Dinner: half a classic salad with asian dressing + french onion soup no cheese/croutons [164]
Snacks: a handful of grapes, celery. about a thumb sized bite of chocolate cake. that's it =] so eh. that cant be too much. Pretty sure I didn't break the 600 barrier. I had a cup of green tea, diet pepsi, and water, so that's 0 calories. I also am not hungry at all.
I tasted a chocolate chip cookie, a cinnamon crunch bagel, and a blueberry muffin. I just chewed it, spit it out, rinsed my mouth out with water, and then swallowed. It was so lovely! I got to taste everything that was forbidden without consuming calories. I feel like I have power over the food. I also am glad I have the self control not to swallow it. Usually I do the chew and spit after a meal so that I'm not hungry. If you're hungry, you're going to swallow it [most likely]. and that would be terrible.
I watched the first 4 episodes season 3 of heroes today. So suspenseful! I'm watching more tomorrow =] !! My prediction came true, I am sick =[ oh no. my throat is all scratchy and flemy. not too attractive.
I missed my mom today, a lot =[ . I just randomly started crying. I was thinking about her and I wasn't tearing up and I wasn't overly sad but as soon as my boyfriend said something to me I just started bawling. Uncontrollably. It was pathetic. It's been 10 years, shouldn't I be over this by now? Jeeze. my boyfriend just held me as I sobbed like a baby. I love him.
Work went well. I kind of wanted to kill this one girl because due to her lack of motivation to do her job, I had to clean all her shit for her. I hate lazy people. especially at work! cause I have to go behind them and make sure everything is okay, and that just wastes my time.
UGH.
anyways. how are you lovelies today?
<3 Bri
and as promised here is a picture of fred and george.

aren't they just the cutest little things? <33
and by the way I hate my disgustingly large thighs.but that's my workout uniform =] the bright colors make me happy, ahaha.
stay safe, stay loved, stay strong. <3